Fuck cracked.com and fuck Disney.
1) Han Solo comes a bourgeois family... but his parents die and he is blamed for their death
Han's parents are Kylo Renowitz, a rich businessman, and Odds, a duchess. Act 1 should make the transition of Han Renowitz, a spoiled rich kid, to an outcast. Who does drugs. More on that later.
Refer to Scene I for more.
Han is bored in this rich life. Eventually Boba Fett, a fellow student at Han's private high-school, sells him a blaster.
Scene VII
But the blaster malfunctions when Han tries to use at school, killing the zoo's pet Banthas, and he is expelled. Later, his house explodes due to a freak accident which may (or may not) be related to the malfunctioning blaster.
Scene XIII
Due to the fallback of this unfortunate episode, Han Renowitz leaves Corellia and adopts his name "Han Solo".
Scene XVIII
Shakespeare alternative take:
"Renowitz. Renowitz. mine own whole life i hadst to liveth up to a nameth and a legacy yond doesn’t representeth me. All these years i hadst this weight on mine own shouldst'rs, hadst to appeareth a c'rtain way, hadst to maintaineth an attitude befitting a class yond i despise, hadst to seeth mine own artistic tendencies did crush by a fath'r who is't cares m're about good morrow'rarchy than loveth, a moth'r who is't can only showeth that lady loveth in mat'rialistic ways, instead of mat'rnalistic ones. And anon i’m being did cast out, accus'd of bringing destruction to those whom, although nev'r shown true affection by, i’ve at each moment hath tried to maketh fustian. Anon those gents art making me leaveth. But that’s fine. I’ll followeth mine own owneth path. If 't be true i has't to wend from c'rellia, i’ll alloweth wend of ev'rything. Nay m're wage. Nay m're mansion. Nay m're weekend mansion. Nay m're cater-cousins. Nay m're. Renowitz. Anon. I am. Solo!"
2) Lando goes from a smuggler to space entrepreneur... and marries an Ewok
Lando is the guy who collects Solo at the space station. He was supposed to get him to Jabba but has some other plans. Also, great casting choice with Donald Glover, and we make the most of it.
Scene XIX & XX
Lando eventually quits on the smuggling business (but has Han doing the dirty work, some more on this later) and becomes a space entrepreneur.
Scene XXII
Later on, he marries a Ewok. For now, ignore the fact that Han learns this in prison.
Scene XLIV
3) The downfall of Jabba Tiure ... the Great Philanthropist
The Renowitz are Jabba's biggest clients, they buy all sorts of retail from him. Jabba is a very respected and honest Hutt.
Scene VI
Jabba is also a renowned philanthropist. He became one after the shocking events of Star Wars: Episode 1.
Scene XXXIII
With the deaths of the Renowitz, Jabba is the only guy that helps poor Han Solo out.
Scene XVI
However, business is tough now that his biggest clients are gone. Han also keeps getting him into trouble with the law.
Scene XXVI
Eventually, Han gets Jabba into such a big trouble that they have to leave for Tattooine. In that environment and with so much pressure on him, Jabba gets into a life of crime and easy pleasures.
Scene XXXVIII
4) Han becomes a junkie ... and beats the Kessel Run in this enhanced state
By now it should be clear that Han is not doing so well with the death of his parents. The whole business with Jabba bores him and he resorts to selling Lando's drugs.
Scene XXIII
Business is booming and Han has tons of fun in dance clubs. All is well for now, he even learns some good love quotes.
Scene XXV
However, things start going Requiem for a Dream.
Scene XXIX
Still, Han manages to beat Lando and get the Falcon. Ending Act 2 on a high.
Scene XXXI
With the Falcon and some mental enhancers, Solo beats the Kessel Run in just a few parsecs.
Scene XXXVI
5) Han and Chewie become best friends in prison ... after Han had lead to the death of Chewie's father
Han is basically Miley Cyrus by the start of Act 3, so he needs some redemption at this point. It all begins with Boba Fett giving him a contract to hunt down two criminal wookies in Kashyyyk.
Scene XL & XLI
Han eventually finds the wookies but he can't make himself shoot them. Then the twist: Boba only used Han to find the wookies, he was following him with two stromtroopers. One of the wookies dies and the other one is Chewbacca (of course). Han tries to save him but they are both arrested and put in jail.
Scene XLII
While in jail, Chewie and Han become buddies. Han goes cold turkey and, with Chewie's help, heals himself back to sobriety.
Scene XLIV & XLV
Thanks to Deus Ex Machina, Lando helps them escape prison. Han and Chewie board the Falcon and so begins their life-long partnership!
Scene LI
CUE MUSIC!
THE END
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